| el-jay, how I have ignored you! |
[30 Jun 2009|05:37pm] |
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So, I've been sorta busy since I last posted.
After leaving Philly, I came home, and my friendz invited me up to Payson/SLC to hang out with their family and see a really cool area of Provo Canyon that has a really awesome natural spring. I got really drunk and high, and a Newfie slobbered on me. (Please note that this was the dog version, not the Canadian kind.) We went on a stoned adventure and I sustained an injury on the slide at the park.
We got home and I worked, and hung out some more, and worked some more. I went back up to Payson/SLC last weekend, and pretty much did the same thing. We went to a used book store (Ken something?) and I got an E.E. Cummings anthology for only 22 dollars. I also got lost while driving in Salt Lake. That place is looney.
Since I have ignored you, el-jay, here is a song, I sing to you.
http://www.mediafire.com/?mejxv0pqtxq
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[08 Jun 2009|04:10pm] |
I am currently in Philadelphia.
Yesterday I got pretty drunk at a bar in the Northeast, and tonight I am going to see Jenny Lewis.
Hooray!
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| old friends, bookends? |
[25 May 2009|11:22pm] |
How long do I have to wait for people to think of my opinions as valid or worthy, instead of just being written off as the ramblings of an incredibly messed up individual? I'm very much tired of being put in the "crazy" box.
Why is it that I am mentally derranged for a suicide attempt that happened over a year ago? I discussed it with certain people because it felt important to me to be honest about it. Those people decided to take that information and spread it around like it was their business, when it most certainly was not.
So again the question I'm wondering, is why is it that I am mentally unstable for being honest about my suicide attempt, when there are others within certain circles who have claimed more than one suicide attempt simply for attention? Is this not as unstable?
Why can so many recieve forgiveness without a word of apology, yet it seems I cannot do enough apologizing or act upon my said changes to prove my sincerity? How many more times should I apologize? What length of waiting period is required before I can begin to talk about the hurt that was caused on the parts of others? (some in reaction to my faults or mistakes, some come from their own merrit.)
Why is it that I remain "unstable" and "unworthy" in the eyes of so many? All people have faults and periods of unstability, this is certain. Perhaps others keep their unstability and certain neurocies to themselves. Is this something that those who keep such things private to be heralded for?
So many of these things happened three and half, to four years ago. Have others not changed? Why are so many operating under the assumption that I cannot? I assure you, if I continued acting the way I was a year ago, let alone four years ago, I would certainly not be where I am today.
I've waited so long for my chance to be seen, how much longer must I wait?
To those of you that read my journal: chances are, if you know what I'm writing about- these are questions I ask of you. You need not answer me directly, they are merely questions and thoughts I would hope you would conscider.
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| weddings can suck my cock |
[21 May 2009|05:59pm] |
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I'm so fucking angry right now. I don't even know how I'm supposed to express it. I'm angry and pissed off at my sister. You know, the dumbass that is getting married to a boy (used intentionally) that she hasn't even known for a year, had sex with, lived with etc.
She/my mom fired the wedding decorator. That job has now fallen on my mother. My sister is so unappreciative and just EXPECTS that we all do everything for her. So now, instead of the original plan of me working all day and watching my brother and helping my Grammy while she's off in Salt Lake getting ~TeMpLe~ married, I have to hang out at a MORMON church with a MORMON church lady DECORATING.
I'M NOT THE FUCKING DECORATING TYPE! I'm not very strong, and I have ZERO patience for church ladies.
The worst, it wasn't my sister that asked me to help, my mom had to ask me for her; because my idiot of a sister can't do anything. She is lazy and self-absorbed. If I was getting married, she would not hang out with a person that caused pain to her in her past, and she wouldn't spend hours in a place she was morally and ethically opposed to- say a bar. She didn't ask me to do these things, but just EXPECTS it from me.
I'm only doing it for my mom, not my sister.
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[21 May 2009|11:49am] |
I had the strangest dream.
I was in this band. I played the guitar, and the bucket. There were three other guys; one playing the other guitar, one playing the bass, and one playing the drums. I was the only one playing two things-one of them being a bucket.
We were practicing and decided that we were really good, so the bassist sets down an old school tape player that had a record function on it. We proceed to play our best song. I guess what was my girlfriend in the dream shows up, and we play the song for her. She decides that we all suck really hard, and that I'm stupid for being in such a sucky band and she proceeds to turn into some sort of octopus zombie and devours the whole band and started to eat me when I woke up.
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[09 May 2009|12:39am] |
I recently came out to everyone at my job. Alex, one of the girls that works there, told me that I was "so brave" over and over again.
I guess I can't understand what's so brave about not wanting to die- physically or mentally. I didn't see it as a choice, or anything really to be brave about. If I wanted to keep on living, transitioning is what needed to be done.
I dunno.
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[04 May 2009|03:43pm] |
so I'm in Kanab for da summer. I'm working for my Grammy again, makin da big bux, which is cool.
I'm just gonna work and save my money to move to Philly- so don't invite me to expensive things cus I aint doin it! I gotsta save up dem dollaz.
p.s. My little brother has a baseball game during LOST. What should I dooooooo?!
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[24 Apr 2009|11:32pm] |
I blocked the "Same Sex Marriage Poll" application on Facebook.
No, I don't want to vote. No, I don't really care that much. Too many resources are being used to "get" SSM when we could be working towards legislation that would protect ALL peoples- not just Gaysbians that want to get married.
I guess it makes me horrible that I don't really "support" SSM. If it happens, great; but you won't see me campaigning for it. So, if we're Facebook Friends, stop sending me those requests.
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[13 Apr 2009|08:01pm] |
I've been thinking lately that I want to rid myself of the label "queer."
It just doesn't mean the same thing to me anymore. I don't date guys, and I don't really want to date guys. I'm not opposed to it, and will openly admit when I find guys attractive, I just don't want to date/sex them.
Sure there are political connotations involved with such a label, but I often find that these political ideas of queer, don't even really match up to my own anyway. I know I can make queer mean what I want it to mean for me, but not everyone knows what it means for me. If I have to describe it anyway, why not describe myself, without complicating it with more words?
What's the point of me identifying as queer?
Can't I just be Kourt?
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| Amazon "de-lists" LGBTQ books |
[13 Apr 2009|02:21am] |
Soooo, it looks like Amazon has been pulling queer books from their popular searches/best seller lists because of "adult content." Supposedly it has been happening for months to "less mainstream" authors, and only recently has this become noticed because they did it to more "popular" authors i.e. Ellen Degeneres' books. Meaning, when you searched for something like "LGBT Parenting" nothing of reputable value would come up; but when you search for "Homosexuality" books that explain how to "de-gay" your son would come up in the list of populated searches.
This is a post made by an author who had his book "pulled" and he explains the issue.
http://markprobst.livejournal.com/15293.html
I didn't personally buy much from Amazon, but I know my mom does, and after I explain this to her, she will probably start purchasing from other online retailers.
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[06 Apr 2009|12:40am] |
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Uhm.
I'm in love with TLC.
Seriously. Lisa Lopes could rap in my ears all day.
/end
ps- I don't want no scrubs.
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| rant much? |
[04 Apr 2009|05:57pm] |
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I wish I had more positive things to talk about, but I guess I'm just not that way. I've been very bored today which resulted in a wandering/stalking of facebook.
People say the strangest things. People mentioned that they were "blessed" with things; life, death, good family, dog, etc etc. I find this such a strange way to communicate that one is grateful for these things. I mean, if my life is good, I feel like I did good things to make it happen, not that some big imaginary friend "gave" to me, or "blessed" me with it. If I got a good cat or dog, I would say, "yeah, I picked out a good dog/cat." Maybe this is really ego-centric of me to think this way.
I just wish people were more able to take credit for the good things they have done in their lives instead of giving the credit to an imaginary friend.
Seriously.
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| I'm Old Gregg!!!!!!!!! |
[03 Apr 2009|01:14am] |
It's late, and I'm going to bed, but I just want to share this with everyone.
</lj-embed>
This is pretty much one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
You ever drink bailey's out of a shoe?
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| punx |
[02 Apr 2009|11:32pm] |
Also, I'm so sick of people that STILL think they're ~soOoOo~ punk. I'm not talking like those hot topic type high school kids. I'm talking mid-twenties-thirties people that think they're so punk rock. Info: You're not.
No one wants to hear your shitty covers of Black Flag songs, your even worse cover of "Suffregette City", or the bitterly painful cover of "Anarchy In The U.K." Do you even know what anarchy means? It means that no one should be required to pay for your shows or merch... ever; and that's not just because you suck so hard.
These guys- and they're usually guys- are so passe and cliche and I can't even handle it. It's like they're BEGGING me to make fun of them. Like their brightly colored mohawks are totally legit and not hilarious. Do these guys seriously expect me to take them SERIOUSLY as musicians or even artists?
I had a punk phase. I thought I was ~soOoOo~ punk rock....when I was 17. That's the only time you can actually think you're a punk without being a total douchebag. Anything past 20 just turns you into total dildo, and it makes me want to send you a douchebag in the mail. Seriously. Cut off your mohawk, wash your pants, and realize that we aren't living in 1979.
Punk is dead, it's been dead, and these guys are just fucking a decayed rotting corpse over and over again.
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[30 Mar 2009|01:17am] |
So, I'm on Week 3 of this http://hundredpushups.com/
Basically the claim is that you will be able to do 100 pushups at the end of six weeks. I did an "endurance test" last week, and my max was 32 in a row. (this nearly killed me) I think this pretty awesome, considering I don't really have any friends that can do more than five push ups without stopping for a cigarette.
School is almost over, which I'm pretty happy about. I am so done with this semester I can't even begin to describe how much I hate it. I want to barf all over my school. Massive amounts of projectile vomit.
I spent most of my day arguing on the phone and taking naps. I did a little homework but got distracted by the power of the nap.
Sorry I'm so boring. As soon as I find out when my service for City Year starts exactly (sometime in August) I'll keep a countdown and stuff. I'm going to try to do a monthly video blog while I'm there, so we'll see how that turns out.
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kourto's journal
